Can I just tell you how glad I am for this week to be almost done? It's been so tiring. I know it could be worse. But still. My nerves are shot.
With Keith being gone so much, and thinking that we still have two more weeks of this to go, I'm finding how hard it is to be the only parent around.
I've had to pick up the slack with driving my five kids where they've needed to go, at all hours of the day, and in all directions. To and from three different schools, multiple times a day (including a record 5 times back and forth to one school in one day), picking up Gary from work everyday, taking him to do his political volunteer work, taking Jane to violin, picking Jane up from the University, taking Jane to speak to a youth group several miles away... I think you get my drift.
I'm trying to pick up the slack in other ways, too. I think I'm better at handling the physical tiredness better than the emotional exhaustion.
I'm tired of not being at home in the evenings when I want to be. Especially the guilt, knowing that the little kids need my presence. Even though I love supporting Sam with his basketball, I've got to say that trying to sit through 3 games starting at 4:00 and going until 8:30 (he plays on the sophomore, JV, and Varsity teams) 2-4 times a week, well, it's hard. Adding Relief Society duties and evening meetings, homeschool, Eliza's dog behaviour science fair project, and this afternoon's school lunchroom duties on top of everything else I'm trying to do...well, I'm just plain worn out.
Yeah, PMS doesn't help much, either.
I'm tired of these blah, cold days of January. Tired of the mountains of laundry I can never quite conquer. Tired of always being the enforcer around here. Tired of being the bad guy. Tired of being the peacemaker when my kids fight. Tired of being in charge. Feeling like burnout is just around the corner. Tired of being the problem solver and everyone's caregiver. Tired of the drama. Worn out when my kids need my emotional and spiritual strength when I'm feeling so depleted myself.
Sometimes I wish I could escape, just for a little while. Fantasizing and craving days of solitude. (Moms feel that way sometimes.)
Yes, I'm venting.
Since tonight was Sam's night to make dinner, I used that as my escape time. I went up to my room, got my nightgown on, shut the door, and snuggled in my bed. Alone. I turned on First Knight that I picked up from today's library visit (in between kid pick-ups) and vegged. I think the last time I sat down to watch a movie or any T.V. for that matter, was on New Year's Eve.
Sam's dinner was good. Nice, for a change, to eat something I didn't make. Nice to relax and chill. To have some quiet time to myself. To not have to go anywhere or do anything. To sit down now and write about it. That's especially helpful.
Thinking this might seem a wee bit negative, I do want to note some of the many happys about my week.
~I got another wonderful, blissful, massage. That was nice.
~I've been able to run 3 days a week for 45 minutes. Even up the big hill without stopping.(!!!) The pain is leaving and I feel more hopeful than ever.
~Having a sweet friend come over a couple of times when I was gone to do a surprise yard work service for me. What an angel she is.
~Phone calls from Keith. That keeps me sane.
~Knowing and feeling deep down in my heart that the reason I do all that I do is out of pure love for my children. Yes, I truly wanted these five children and yes, I wanted this to be my calling in life. Even while I'm in the middle of these "mom trenches", I know that "this, too, shall pass" and that these fleeting years will be over before I know it.
And then I won't know what to do with myself.