Wednesday, February 16, 2011

now what

Gary took this picture a few years ago. I like it. It makes me happy.

Feeling a jumbled up mix of feelings. My church work as the president of the Relief Society was a big burden for me to carry. Both emotional and in the time department. Now, there's change.

I've been thinking and trying to be mindful of my feelings. It helps me find clarity to vocalize them to you, Blog.

~Feeling that there's room now to just be. Content and at peace. Finally.

~Feeling space in my mind that used to be constantly filled with mind chatter, whether it was a meeting to go to, someone I needed to call or visit, things I needed to do, but couldn't get to. Pressures. Just a huge feeling of responsibility.

~Feeling a little lost with that part of my identity gone.

~Still wondering if I did enough. If I mattered to people or made a difference.

~Wondering if the friendships and associations I've built through this service will continue. Most likely, things will never truly be the same. That understanding makes me sad.

~Wondering what's down the horizon, as far as my church service goes.

~Loving the feeling of freedom that is coming with all this. (Basketball season being over is adding to this feeling.)

~Feeling like a lady of leisure. (Kind of.)

~Loving, these past few days, the feeling of freedom and enjoyment in doing the things I've always loved and wanted to do. The simple things, really. To just stay at home be fully present, whether it's folding the clean laundry Keith lovingly provides for us, making the four weekly loaves of bread I've always done until the last year or so, (I made some Spelt loaves, peanut butter cookies, and bread sticks yesterday and it felt so good to get back on the bandwagon.) loading and unloading the dishwasher, cutting the beautiful, colorful vegetables for the soup, cozying up in my chair to read my books, going on a run in the afternoon, taking my time to look and browse through the Oriental market this morning. These are joys to me.

~Thinking of all the possibilities for creativity. Maybe I'll sew some pillows for the couch. Maybe I'll make soap this weekend. Maybe I'll finally clean and organize my closet. Maybe I'll make some skirts and tunics for the warmer months ahead. Maybe I'll start a quilt for Jane when she leaves for college. Maybe do more paper cutting. Excited to think about this year's garden.

~Thinking about all the possibilities for change. Maybe I'll move more and more toward a plant based (or 10% animal product) diet. When Isaac goes to school full time next year, that will bring even more time to my days. Maybe I'll continue and further my education formally, or informally more than I've ever done. Maybe take some kind of online course that is on my time line. (I'm not about to give in to more pressure just when I've been given more freedom.)

I'm finding out that change is good.
That's exciting.
That's happy.


  1. i think you should just take one day at a time. and enjoy them.

  2. Never look back, though it does make us who we are now. I guess I should say, never have regrets and wonder if..., You were truly amazing!! I have never seen a better Relief Society president truly concerned with everyone in my life!! I think that this calling helped to show who you really are; a sweet kind caring person who loves others. You didn't just call, you visited. You took the time that you could have just saved for yourself, and you truly served. You were a life saver to me many times (even the simple sweet phone calls and knowing that you cared). You lifted my soul and my burdens as you did for many others. I will always pray in my heart for Heavenly Father's choicest blessings to be upon you and your family for your friendship and service.

    Now, have fun, relax and have peace in the knowledge that you are a truly wonderful person. Your true friendships won't change (maybe for the better now that you have more time). I love you.

  3. I love to hear about your creative spirit bubbling with ideas. The possibilities are immense! Enjoy your time! You gave a part of yourself - it is done - given to the altar. He does cherishes even the widow's mite. I have a feeling you might get busier soon!