I was put through the ringer today. Sick with worry, uncertainty.
Sam jokes a lot. I remember hearing him laugh sometime this summer with the girls about the funny bump on the back of his head. That he didn't want a buzz so it wouldn't stand out. I, regrettably, didn't pay close enough attention. He talked about it recently, this time, more seriously. My mama bear instinct engaged; perked up this time. This bony lump, a protrusion on the base of his skull, getting bigger he said and hurt when you pressed it. He's been having frequent headaches. A big one Friday night and another, towards the back of his head last night. Sleeping, tired a lot. (Not uncommon, I've seen, after raising four teenagers.) Coming up for breakfast, nauseated a lot of the mornings.
I sent him off to school. Uneasy while doing the dishes. I started connecting the dots. Worry set in my frantic mother mind. Worst possible scenario thoughts, as you can probably imagine, spiralling downward.
I set up a doctor appointment. Surprised Sam at school, ready to check him out. The doctor, visibly concerned, ordered blood work and a CT scan to be done at the nearby hospital. Sam seemed unfazed. I was trying to hold it together. We went home and waited. I can't tell you how nervous I was to get that phone call the doctor promised. Major sitting on pins and needles.
"Good news", the first words out of his mouth. Oh, sweet relief. His blood work couldn't have been more perfect, he says. Pediatric radiologist reports no sign of any tumor, or abnormality in the brain. Most likely some sort of bony protuberance where the plates of his skull come together. Perhaps buckling, likely with all the growing he's done this past year. I'm not kidding when I say that he's grown a foot or two. Taller than his dad, if you haven't seen him in a while, you'd be amazed at this 15 year old kid. Headaches might stem from the pressure. It should ease up. Nothing abnormal or dangerous, he says.
He and I crashed later this afternoon. Sleep, a way to decompress all the uncertainty. I slept so deeply; so uncommon for me with a nap. He did too. Made his appearance after dinner was all done and put away.
So relieved. So grateful.
A lot of things scare me; snakes, math, haunted houses. But when it comes to my kids... their safety, their health, their futures, these are the things that undo me the most.