These days, I'm finding myself in the quiet. Most days, it's just me at home. Home with my own thoughts to keep me company. Trying to find ease in this. Many mornings, distracting myself with music as background companion. I think I'm getting more comfortable with the silence, the quiet, the solitude. I won't say it's been an easy adjustment. I still feel like I'm in a transitory mode.
I run or take a walk after getting the kids off to school. Or I blog or read the paper. I get myself ready. Lately indulging in long soaks in a tub of hot water. Then, I tidy.
Cooking or reading seem to be the only other choices when I'm home alone. That and some sewing projects. I'm wondering, asking myself if that is all there is to do. Trying to find satisfaction, ease, and fulfillment in this new stage of life.
I had mentioned before that Isaac and Eliza are on a break. Two half days and now a full day off today and tomorrow. Eliza went straight from school to a birthday party yesterday (and another gathering later that night at a friend's house) and Sam would be at the high school until 8:00 that night for basketball try-outs/practice- he can't do much with his broken finger. Just running and learning the plays. So it was just me and Isaac the rest of the day.
I told him that I wanted to do whatever it was that he wanted to do. It had been awhile since I had a "date" or one on one focused time with him. He asked if we could go down to the University. Stop at the Creamery for lunch. (A note: the ice cream just wasn't much of a temptation for me. Not really appealing, even a little off-putting. I was amazed that I had the discipline to listen to my body and decline.)
I found that quiet stillness, something that's becoming so much a part of me, there as I watched him happily eating his food. I found so much joy just focusing all of my attention on him. On what he was saying. On his expressions. Drinking in his enthusiasm and sweetness.
Oh so much better, so much more satisfying than a bowl of ice cream.
I followed where he led. Sensing and feeling as I walked beside him that it's not going to be long before he will be the only little bird left in the nest. Noticing the non hurry, "let's just take our time" feeling that is so different from my early motherhood days. I'm getting old(er), I see. And that's okay. He, skipping along happily, leading me to the cool stuff at the science building which Gary had introduced him to on their own date.
After the science building ah-ha-hands on fun, we made our way through the crowds of college kids. My eyes scanned for a glimpse of Jane. Cell phone dead (Not surprised that I tend to neglect it.) so I couldn't call her to meet up with us. "Please, Heavenly Father. Let me find her." my silent thought prayer.
"Let's go to the art museum!" We'd meander through one gallery, one exhibit, and he eagerly asked to see more. Our favorites were the "book" art- a 30,000 pound enormous "sculpture" towering cube stack of books. Also, the African-American folk art quilt display. Lots of color and patterns and ideas to talk about there.
Decided to follow my gut feeling that Jane would be in her dorm. That we would find her there. I was right. She, so surprised and happy to see our faces. She suggested a Jamba Juice outing near her campus job. Again, I found myself just listening and seeing and taking her all in.
Later, a movie and a game back at the house. Just a boy and his mom. Little individual pizzas made to welcome the others home.
It's nearly 10:00 this fine sunny morning and I'm still in my nightgown. All of us have the same idea. Slow and easy. Isaac with his books and Eliza back to bed, nursing her cold. My doctoring her last night, I'm seeing, has made a difference.
Decided today would be a good time to start another cleanse. Different from my last one. This instead.
Another manifestation, I think, on this searching path of simplicity, inner harmony, and balance.
P.S. Hope all this rambling makes sense. Maybe it's only me that can see how this is all tied together.