I've always wanted this blog to be a positive thing.
But I also want to be real and honest. Know what I mean?
The fact is, I'm in sort of a funk.
:: Maybe it's the time of year; the cold gray slump between the holidays and spring's much anticipated arrival. Maybe I might have a titch of SAD.
:: Maybe it's PMS's fault. Take for instance my relationship with chocolate this week. Between the four chocolate topped peanut butter cookies gifted to me such a cute Valentiny goodie bag- which I snarfed down (so unvegan, I know) within one hour's time and without saving any for the kids, the batch of chocolate chia pudding that wouldn't leave me alone for two days straight, the couple of chocolate-almond- banana shakes, satisfying those cravings and adding to my happiness at bedtime-- I definitely see a pattern going on here that's kind of alarming.
:: Maybe it's because Keith's been gone so much.
:: Maybe it's the fact that I'm still trying to get used to all this solitude. This silence. This alone-ness. All day, everyday: I read. I tidy. I cook. I eat. I surf the web. I watch movies.
I know that there are so many things I could do with all this time on my hands. Service I could do. Visits to people lonelier than I am. Long neglected projects I finally have time for. Interesting places to go by myself in the day.
But the thing is, there's no motivation. No desire. Not a whole lot of inspiration to get excited about. To blog about. To think about.
I guess I'm in a rut. A feeling I can't shake. And don't much like.
Ever been there?
But beside all my angst, there's still things to look forward to. Things to be grateful about:
1. That I didn't let out the swear word that was blasting in my mind this morning when the blenderful of pancake batter spilled all over the place, covering the countertop and floor.
2. That my kids love me. That Gary would rather live, or should I say, spend the evenings/night here than at his apartment. Which has been the case this entire week. I'm liking that. That Sam will randomly stroke my arm in the car, or come over and rub my shoulders. "Mom you're tense here." Or when Jane calls me on the phone because we're friends and she loves her mom and wants to share and knows I'll listen with my whole heart.
3. That this dog Lucy never leaves my side. As I walk across the room. Or go upstairs. I'm glad for the companionship she's providing me. Even if she's kind of a neurotic doggie.
4. That the Whole Food Kitchen Workshop I'm contributing to and participating in will get underway on Monday. (There's still time to register, friends!) Thankful for all the inspiration, community, and beauty that will be flowing my way.
5. That Keith will be coming home tonight.
6. That my 30 something year old, never been married before brother Reuben is engaged to be married this June. So happy for his happiness.
7. That Valentine's Day is on the horizon. That should be nice. Holidays and celebration days are always something to look forward to.
8. That the sun is shining this morning, with skies clear and blue and that the weekend is finally upon us.
9. That you guys are here. New friends and old. Thank you for the interest you show in my life.