Thursday, August 9, 2012
for thinking out loud
tissue box handy at all times.
(oh how this nose doth blow.)
the first night for so long I sleep deeply all the way through.
restful. rested. restorative.
another big fire. smoke in the air enough to taste even.
enveloped in my thoughts.
inward i go.
so many thoughts and feelings these days.
time is getting away from me.
alarmed almost, realizing that school is starting in just two weeks.
isaac's eight year old birthday next week.
(where have i been?)
outfitting them all.
these kids growing like weeds.
telling sam the other day to just push the button and turn it off.
new shoes new uniforms supplies tuition fees new laptop
next week's trip to the dentist i've put off for way too long.
bracing myself that the
money will start to fly.
this season coming to a close as this new one approaches;
wondering if the summer was everything i hoped it would be.
what they hoped it would be.
just slipped away like that.
it was what it was;
good and full and happy enough.
and with this back-to-school time
an itch of anxiousness.
and what do i do, what will i do?
these empty days that lie before me.
this longing for something i don't quite know what i long for.
the return of this companion called loneliness.
finding a purpose.
contentment, fulfillment, a rhythm.
to feel needed.
work outside the home doesn't feel quite right
for me. for us. for now.
at this stage.
even though the financial standpoint and situation might suggest its necessity.
(really, a perfect fit would be what it would need to be)
these children need my presence, my availability, my immediacy much more;
even with their long hours away from home.
even as they age.
so i guess i'll just keep on doing what i've been doing.
what was started last year at this time.
so i try to find more ease in this transition,
different from those intense mothering years.
patience is the word here.
i'll find my way, the path, my place
peace in my life's purpose.
the gift, the offering i could and would and will give the world.
my books, learning and study,
maybe a bit of creativity with paper or fabric or pen when the inspiration strikes,
afternoon strolls though art galleries,
(that sounds really nice)
meandering hikes on mountain trails,
expressing myself and my world
through this writing and through the camera's lens,
looking for ways to serve my neighbor,
volunteering, (so many possibilities out there)
being there for my parents.
there's comfort in it all;
(even and amidst this confusion and uncertainty)
beauty, fullness, abundance, and freedom
everywhere i turn.
hope and change and growth;
on the horizon.