Tuesday, December 18, 2012

these days

I have stayed away from this space. Not knowing what to say. Feeling a quiet and an honoring in all of this profound sadness, disbelief, and horror. Heart aching for those dear ones. For those precious children and the adults who so loved them. Laying down their lives. I can't imagine the incomprehensible pain and grief and loss of the parents. For all families. For that community. For this world that is ours.

That afternoon just after hearing that horrific news, I went, needing to substitute at his school library. Walking across that playground and seeing all those sweet children running, shrieks of joy in the air, so innocent. I could hardly breathe.

And in the midst of all this sadness, these December days go forward. Days filled to overflowing. 

Surviving and even thriving, miraculously, with that hairy week of finals and end of term projects. So amazed, relieved, and gratified with the feeling of satisfied success. Strait "A's" on all my courses, as well as each final. Even that overwhelming anatomy. That comment that was left on my hour long Swedish massage evaluation form: "...watching you give that massage was like watching a dance..." Perma-grin that wouldn't leave this face all the way home from school that night.

Continuing to discover so much about myself. That I can do hard things. 

So now are the days of making ready. Days full of last minute and just now getting to it Christmas shopping. Wrapping gifts on my bedroom floor while Pandora plays. Happy hostessing. Gifting from my heart. Kitchen confection making. Assembling baskets for loved ones close, and shipping off packages to loved ones far. So happy for Christmas card greetings. For news of our family and love from our family. It's been awhile.

And throughout all this hustle and bustle, there's still space for quiet inwardness. Watching the snowflakes falling softly outside my window. Sitting down at the end of the day, gathering my thoughts and expressing love to that far off son of mine. The peace that comes with warm candlelight at mealtime. The soft glow of the Christmas tree when everyone has gone to bed and and I'm all that's left and I go to my beckoning bed so tired and that sweet, restful sleep finally comes.

This contrast between Light and Dark.

So grateful that the Light will always shine through the darkest of winter days.