a gentle reminder:
to my children
who'll read this in future days,
to my friends
who understand and who've been there and who are there themselves,
most of all,
on those quiet, empty afternoons
when i'm even more gray than i am right now,
where i'll look back, and remember,
for patterns, for meaning, for truth
of this life's journey
i've been trying to navigate all these years.
this is what i want to express, what i need to express:
there are moments,
of mess. of difficulty. of struggle. of pain.
i've learned this.
and i've lived this.
where dogs pee on the welcome mat.
where crusty dishes stack. no end in sight.
where orange peel shreds sit forgotten in the dark of the juicer waste compartment. furry gray mold growing for days on end.
where the house falls, pulls, and breaks apart. literally, before my very own eyes.
where neglected plants droop and shrivel brown.
where strife, the inner and sometimes the outer, sits heavy, so heavy. in a soul. in a room.
where laundry, the dirty and even the clean, sits piled and piled.
where kitchen sink windows crack, staying shattered. for years.
where heart-seeds of hope and trust and expectation are watered with tears of lingering letdown and ugly cynicism and dark disappointment.
where questions go unanswered.
where days drag long and you feel like crap.
where you give your all and that's all you can do and your all isn't quite enough.
yes, it's true.
life isn't always roses and sunshine.
that sharp, prickly thorns lie among the sweetest, softest, and loveliest of rose petal blooms.
that the grayest, gloomiest of clouds are seen even among days of brightest, welcome sunshine.
"for it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things."
warmth and cold.
health and sickness.
pleasure and pain.
light and darkness.
answers and questions.
abundance and lack.
beauty and ugly.
good and evil.
joy and sorrow.
it can't and never will be one without the other.
"...and all things shall work together for your good."
"...and this, too, shall pass."
so this is really all i wanted to say today.
and another little thing, too:
this journal of mine will continue to show the beauty and the wonder. (mostly the beauty and the wonder). capturing all the goodness-- the simple and the grand things of my life-- a tool and a means that brings so much joy and gratitude into my heart. the real purpose of what i want this space to be. a peaceful, beautiful, inspiring spot in this world. but sometimes you and i may get glimpses of what's real. and i'm okay with that. hoping you can be okay with that, too.
i'm living it all.
we're living it all.
this glorious goodness that's always, always there, despite of, and even amidst all of life's strife.
it's what is,