Tuesday, June 4, 2013

6.4.13



I'm kind of in a blogging slump. Like I've said it all. Shared it all. Not sure what more or what else I can pull out. Feeling like my lovely writing muse has left the building.

I guess it's a natural thing that happens when you've blogged for years like I have. You go through ups and downs. The inspiration comes and goes and I sometimes forget to allow myself to just ride these waves. The rolling forward and the pulling back.

It's been so long since I've written anything really worth noting about or would mean much to others outside of my family. But like I've said before, this blog is for me when all is said and done.

Capturing my world with the camera brings me so much joy, though. Lately, that's what keeps bringing me here.

I guess when you struggle with something, sometimes you just have to keep at it. Keep doing it. Even if it's little bits here and there, or what may seem like the mundane daily-ness of life. So I guess I should just write. The day-to-day stuff and the feeling stuff which really is just journaling stuff.

So here goes.

We're all trying to get into the summer-time groove around here. Since Eliza is gone to camp this week, and Sam works in the early mornings and then goes most days straight to school for basketball practice, it's just me and Isaac at home. I'm glad I can have this focused time with him. But it does feel different, I must admit.

He tagged along with me when I got my haircut this morning. More gray, I noticed, than brown on the cape. We went yesterday to get his own overdue haircut and find him some flip-flops. Later, he was a real help pulling that wagon filled with plants at the nursery. I've never been this late planting my garden.  Hopefully, it will be worth it. Hopefully, everything will be in the ground by the end of the week. Tomorrow, I think we'll go back and get flowers.

I've been studying for tonight's Pathology quiz. I want to clean and declutter. I want to weed my yard. I want to plan menus for this month of June. I've let this, along with other weekly kitchen and cooking focused duties, slide since I've started school in October.

I've had to let go of a lot of things. I'm kind of surprised with my being okay with all of it.

We just got through talking to Jane on the phone. She called from the airport in Los Angeles on her way to Taiwan. She'll be there for eighteen months serving as a missionary for our church. Just like my son Gary is doing in Finland.

She said that she's happier than she's ever been.

My mother-heart is full. All those tender feelings I expressed last July when Gary left have all come rushing back today. And I will admit that even in my happiness for my daughter-- for this wonderful opportunity for her to grow, to love, to serve, to have her dreams come true--  my heart aches today. A real, hot, tangible ache and pressure and emptiness and longing.

This overwhelming feeling that my little bird really and truly has left my nest. The day that I never thought would come, but had worked all these twenty years for, where she's finally off to live her own life. I felt something similar when she moved 30 minutes away to college, but with this great expanse of sea that separates us, this far off journey into the foreign unknown, it's as if I'm left with a hole in my heart. Another hole to the one that's been there since last July.

But as I sit here, I realize that this is what life is all about. It's continual change. It's a constant. I guess you could even say that the definition of life is change.

I'm getting used to the idea.
(I think.)



1 comment:

  1. They say that change can be a good thing. But I find more and more the ache, the longing for yester-year. Those oh so quiet days of rocking my baby to sleep. I still rock babies to sleep but there is a fastness about life that just won't slow down. When I come to this place, I feel myself take a deep breath as I let go. Thank you for writing. I need this space in my life.

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