Sunday, July 20, 2014

little and big

this post got me thinking. the times when i feel small and those times i feel large. the littleness and bigness of me. i can see so many contradictions and opposites in my nature. the essense that is me.

at first glance it might be that a person is either one way or the other. but i've found that if i'm living true to my nature, there's bound to be huge contrasts and variations in every aspect of my life. this play of opposites is what makes a person interesting and even beautiful, i've decided. it's what makes us each human.

so here's what i've discovered about the little and big in me:

i like little things. i pay attention to the little, tiny, quiet details in life. those things that often go unnoticed to the common eye. sometimes i seem to focus or get caught up more on the details than the bigger picture. it's something, for example, that i can see in myself by the way i take a photograph. i like those little details i create that make my life and other's lives special, meaningful, beautiful, comfortable, cozy, and memorable. i like the subtle, little nuances in people and things. the little glances, the little touch on the shoulder, the little twinkle in an eye. the way two sets of eyes can catch in a briefly fleeting look of quiet understanding and connection. i like the littleness of that.

i have felt small when i've been teased, ignored, or when others have laughed at me. feeling the smallness that comes when i've allowed my feelings to be hurt, or those times i've felt humiliated or belittled. or the times i've felt so small that i want to disappear after saying or doing something that has caused pain to another. i feel little when turn around and walk the other direction, pretending i don't see someone i know at the grocery store. the smallness i feel when i'd rather be alone or those times i'm craving solitude. i often find comfort in this, though, and have discovered, in recent years, i'd rather have a small group of close friends than feel lost and disconnected in a crowd of many. i like the littleness when i can go under the radar and be invisible. i'm little when i want to say no and say yes instead. small, depleted and exhausted when, more often than not, i put other's needs before my own. i've felt pain and smallness many times as a woman in the culture, traditions, treatment, and history of this imperfect world. my patience is often small when it comes to long lines, heavy traffic, and just getting to the point of things.

i like big, powerful things. the beating rhythm and heavy pulse of music when it is turned up loud, or the crashing pound and unleashed power that i can actually feel within my body when there's a thunderstorm. sometimes i dream that i live in a big house. a house so big with rooms upon rooms to wander and  discover and inhabit. probably a subconscious need of mine for freedom, newness, discovery, and change.

i go big when i make a grand production of things. things like dinners and parties and events i plan and host. i want to impress and execute in a perfectly big way. my laugh bursts out big and cackling, my kids tease. i'm big in my movement, my quick, long walking strides, the way i rush about or run up the stairs two steps at a time. the need i have to do things in the fastest, most efficient way i can. i'd rather just get it done, than do it right. the big way of mine of not being able to express myself without using my hands. the need i have for deep, long, and vast soul-to-soul conversations. i need to see the real and sincere side of a person and i don't appreciate pretentiousness in any way. and the absolute hugeness that came to my body in childbearing with that ripe, round belly and those full breasts. the grandness and larger than life feeling it was to cross the marathon finish line, and the unforgettable grandness when i held up my arms in v for victory. my feelings are heavy and all-consuming. i feel things so big, so deeply. sometimes i think i feel things too much. when i feel anger, joy, sadness, passion, or injustice, you will know it. i guess you could call me intense, or even demanding. i love and am attracted to deep, rich colors, textures, and chunky jewelry. my appetite has always been rather enormous, and my mom said i wasn't satisfied if the meals weren't "substantial" enough. and of course, to this day i am always the first one done at the dinner table. i live life large and i live life loud.

1 comment:

  1. I like how you seem to know yourself with such intensity. I'm not so sure I could answer those two questions with quite the awareness or confidence. I do however know I'm on the little side, I do things with little measures, nothing grand about me, I seem to slide in under the radar. I'm totally ok with that.